Grandpa

My grandpa isn't doing so well. He went into the hospital a month ago when he was so short of breath, he was sure he was dying. The doctors quickly suggested it could be a blood clot in his lungs and that it should be fairly easy to treat. "He could very well be back to normal pretty soon" was what they told us.

It wasn't a blood clot.

The doctors weren't sure what the problem was and had to rule out kidney failure before getting around to diagnosing congestive heart disease and prostate cancer. "It's common for older men to get prostate cancer and it's very rarely the thing that kills them" was what the doctors said to us.

Grandpa has been home from the hospital for just over a week now and he is weak, in pain and depressed. My mom and my aunt have been taking turns staying with him so that he is never alone. They are taking him to his appointments and there for all his at-home visits with the nurses and home health-care people.

ST and I went over on Saturday and stayed the night with him to give my mom a break. L-Dub came over Sunday and we all spent the day with Grandpa. He was tired, weak, in pain and depressed. He moves so slowly and is out of breath after even just the slightest activity. Even shifting in his chair to get more comfortable, wears him out.

It is so hard to see my grandpa this way. He has always been strong, self-sufficient and energetic. Yet, even in his pain and depression, he was still cracking jokes and being sweet and funny.

We just found out today that the cancer is worse than the doctors initially thought. There isn't much they are going to be able to do for him and the chances of him getting any better than he is now, are slim.

I keep reminding myself that his spirit is no different than it was a month ago, 5 years ago, 30 years ago or 80 years ago. He is still the same wonderful soul that I have always known and loved and been loved by. His body is changing and deteriorating but his soul and spirit are unchanged. I don't know how long he will live. It could be many, many months. It could be much less. I have time though. Time to spend with him, love him, and learn from him.

For the moment though, I am on my second glass of red wine and am taking an evening to just numb the pain a little bit.