a fresh start

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. I feel like I should probably feel far more mature than I do. But there I go arguing with what is again. I find myself doing this a lot lately - arguing with what is.

There's no point to it. It all is what it is and this post has very quickly gone from a post about my birthday to a post about something else entirely. This concept of accepting what is, is ancient. It isn't a new idea. I think it's probably been around since the beginning of time. It's just new to me and I am really really working on it.

There is this really fantastic section in the course (the entire course is fantastic but different parts jump out at me at different times) about accepting ourselves exactly as we are. It is in the section titled The Little Willingness and it says "The miracle of the holy instant lies in your willingness to let it be what it is. And in your willingness for this lies also your acceptance of yourself as you were meant to be".

It goes on to say that God lives within each of us and that He "did not create His dwelling place unworthy of Him".

My point in all of this is that I seem to be stretching and growing in ways that I am ready for but that are also brand new to me and a little (a lot) scary. Embarking on a relationship and opening my heart up, willing to be vulnerable and open - I'm treading on new ground and it's scary. But I am ready. I am as prepared as I can possibly be at this point. And for the past three months I just went for it.

The relationship didn't work out. I keep wanting to hold onto the details of it and why it didn't work but I can't, the details don't matter. If I can accept it for what it is and accept both he and I for who we are then I can let go and move forward. We both are exactly who we are meant to be and we will both be better matched with someone else out there.

I am sad about it though. It's still an ending and one I wasn't particularly ready for. The downhill began too soon and I held on for as long as I could because there had seemed to be potential for us. My breaking point happened in an instant and there wasn't any coming back from that. It was a moment of finally accepting that he is who he is and that it just wasn't going to work with who I am.

I am writing this post while I am feeling good. I could've written it yesterday and it would have been much less insightful and much more angry. Or I could've written it Saturday and it would have been sad. I am cycling through the typical emotions and I'm told this is normal and healthy, I still wonder how people do this as often as they do. I guess I'll find out because this has opened me up to really wanting a relationship and the only way to find one is to date.

So date I will.