The blues

I am fighting the blues today. I have had one good ugly-cry already today and hoping that's it.

My fridge is broken. I noticed it on Sunday that my freezer didn't seem as cold. I fiddled with the temperature dials and hoped for the best. I should have called my landlady on Monday to let her know but I always wait til things get really bad before I ever do anything about them. I am thinking that this is a lesson in learning how not to do that anymore.

Anyways I called yesterday morning after I ate some cereal and noticed that the milk was luke warm. I was going to be out all day and so they couldn't come until today. The repairman walked in opened the freezer door and said "Oh, yeah. I can't fix this. You need a new fridge. I'll let your landlord know." and then he left. He was in my apartment for less than a minute.

I called my landlady to follow up and left a message and then I called again an hour later and left another message and then I called her emergency number an hour after that. She had okayed the order 15 minutes earlier and told me to call them to figure out delivery times.

Monday.

Today is Thursday.

Then 'ding' I heard an email enter my inbox and found out I owe thousands (yes there is an 's' on the end of that) in taxes. This is when the ugly cry hit me.

I let it all out and even wailed a couple of times. Then I hit that point in the ugly cry when it's over. You're still making the ugly cry face and you take a deep breath but it's done, you've let it all go. You try and squeeze out another sob or tear but it's done. It was over pretty quickly, thankfully.

I sat back down at my computer and started to compose an email and while I did I chattered away to myself. "I am so lucky that I live such a great lifestyle. I have everything I need. I am so fortunate to live in such a great country where I am free to be who I want and do what I want. And I am blessed to be able to give back to my country and be a productive member of society and support Canada in building roads and schools. I am abundant and can afford to pay this money to maintain such a great life style. In the grand scheme of it all this is pocket change for being able to live such a great life."

I said this all out loud a couple of times and though it started out somewhat facetiously, I actually felt way better. Facetious or not, it's all true.

Once I started to feel better I tackled my fridge. Although this brought me back down a bit. I had to throw out so much stuff. I went up to Safeway and bought a couple bags of ice and am trying to treat my freezer like a cooler. I put the ice in there with my milk and a few other things. I am only going to open that door when I really, really need to.

Still, what I really want to do is drink. I want a cold beer or ice-cold crisp, white wine. A shot or two of tequila from the freezer would be nice. An extra-dry apple cider on ice. An extra dry, extra cold, extra olives vodka martini. Something cold - I haven't had anything cold in so long. I do have some lovely room temperature red wine but I am putting off having this until later so that I can have a more productive afternoon than that. Plus you know that whole deal with it instead of numbing the pain thing too.

Then my phone rang and it was my sister with some bad news about a friends health and that put things into perspective. This made me think of another friend who is literally fighting for her life right now and that put things into even more perspective. Then I called my best friend who told me he was so sick from food poisoning that he couldn't stand up.

I really am so so so so lucky.

Ok so I am off to the gym in search of some endorphins. Feel free to invite me over for a cold drink or a nice meal since I have no food left.