cough cough

I have a neighbour who has a very distinctive cough. I wouldn't know him if I passed him on the street or stood next to him on a corner, unless he coughed. Instantly I would recognize his hack.

He lives in the building next to mine with his girlfriend (wife?). They have a patio and they come out to smoke weed and cough. He seems to cough every couple minutes and I always have to go peek my head out the window to look at him. I want to ask him if he knows how much he coughs. I'd like to record it and then play it from my window while he is sitting outside. I'd like to throw a banana down onto their patio and have written on it 'quit coughing'. (Bananas are great for writing on by the way)

I really shouldn't be complaining. Other than the cough, they are the quietest neighbours that have lived there. Last summer there was a couple living there who would have people over a couple nights a week. I think they must have worked in restaurants or bars because the party would get started around 2am. They'd sit on the patio and smoke and drink and talk and laugh. And it would sound like they were in my bedroom sitting in a circle around my bed talking about how Sharon went home with some guy who thought she was someone else. And how Greg smoked some pot that was laced with something and he ended up in the ICU for a week.

I'd put ear plugs in. I'd lie in bed and think of great passive aggressive revenge tactics. I'd hear other neighbours slamming windows shut and yelling 'shut up'. I'd lay there and think about what kinds of things I could throw down onto their patio. Paint, food, cat poo, rocks. The plan was that I would wait until they'd go inside and then chuck things down onto their patio, so that it would be there the next time they'd come outside.

I had some eggs in my fridge that were nearing on having been there a year. (yes, yes, I know. That's disgusting. Give me a break) I'd fantasize about chucking those eggs down onto their patio and they wouldn't be able to come outside again for a week. The problem was that I was afraid this was also going to negatively affect me too. That smell would waft up into my apartment and I'd only have myself to blame. I never mustered up enough hatred or courage to do it though.

Sidenote - when I finally did throw the eggs out - they were completely hollow. How's that for weird.

The cougher just coughed. I looked out my window at him about an hour ago and he and his girlfriend were sharing a bong for breakfast. They have a few different ones that they leave out on the table (and by table, I mean giant spool) and this morning they passed the blue glass one back and forth.

Maybe instead of chucking eggs at this couple, I'll toss down some chocolate chip cookies, popcorn twists and licorice...they're probably pretty munchie. And I'll chuck him down a bottle of expectorant for that persistent cough.

I just took this picture from my kitchen window so you can get a visual.