Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Ninja Turtles and spiders just have to follow your heart.
this video is highly entertaining.

while I'm at it, this one is pretty great too.

I wanna go right now

I just got off the phone from booking myself two spa appointments for next week. A head, neck and shoulder massage and a 45 minute foot massage. ahhhhh I can't tell you how excited I am about it. There's nothing better than getting pampered. Friends of mine who are travelling, just wrote about their experiences of finding a massage center run by highly trained blind masseurs and getting hour long treatments for $4.50
so nice.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

May 14 1986, Thursday

Actual journal entry from 1986. I've copied it as is from my diary.

Today at school we didn't do much work. In gym we played softball. I hit it once and got to second base. then the next time I went up I hit a pop fly and Brodie (ugh) caught it. Oh yeah we got these notices to see three films at school tomorrow. they are Then One Year. Girl's Stuff. and Girl to Woman. When we watch Then One Year we have to watch it with the boys in the same room. On Sunday we are going over to T and B's house for a swim and dinner. E is coming.

The next day there is a ps in my diary entry that says...

ps. those films we saw were about our periods and underarm odors.

Monday, 29 January 2007

My journey so far

I remember a crucial moment in my late twenties when all of a sudden I got it. I had been floundering for years, unhappy with my life and myself.

I coped with my life by drinking, eating, smoking pot and hanging out with people who didn't expect anything more from me than to have a drink with them and laugh at their jokes. People who were emotionally healthy intimidated me. I avoided healthy relationships because I didn't have the ability to be healthy in one.

When I was 29, it hit me. It actually happened while I was interpreting the Alpha course. I was sitting there surrounded by people on a quest for spirituality or at least a quest for understanding Christianity and I had plans for right after work to go get drunk and stoned with a guy friend who was nearly 9 years younger than me.

It came to me in an instant. This is not the path that I am suppose to be on. This isn't who I want to be or how I want to live my life anymore. I still went over to his house and got stoned after work but a fire had been lit underneath me and I couldn't be so blind to my actions anymore. It took time for things to change because I was scared to abondon everything I knew and was familiar with to pursue a new path. It seemed scarier and harder to make changes even if they were for the better, than to just stay the same and be unhappy.

When I sat on this new knowledge for long enough that I finally had to act, I sought out a counsellor. I started seeing her once a week and for the first few sessions I just sat and cried. I couldn't get much out other than tears. Once I started being able to talk, I couldn't stop. I simultaneously loved and hated going to my counselling sessions because it was so helpful yet so incredibly hard. To this day, facing myself and my issues has been the hardest most challenging thing I have ever done. Also the most rewarding.

I am a different person now than I was 4 years ago. I changed nearly every aspect of my life and am now living a life that brings me peace and joy. I haven't felt the need to 'cope' with the daily aspects of my life and when the big stressful things come along, I have very healthy outlets for dealing with them. I have learned that I am strong and capable. I have learned that communication is power. You cannot change what you won't acknowledge. Secrets = shame. Fear = a life less lived.

We all need to learn these lessons for ourselves, in our own way and in our own time. We each have to find our own paths in life and figure out how to become who we want to be. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, I think it is the strongest, bravest thing anyone can do for themselves.

The people who loved me stuck with me and supported me through my journey. It wasn't always easy for them as I started to change and lay new ground rules to my friendship. I had new boundaries and was trying to put them to use without having the finesse of my skilled counsellor, who could always find a way to say anything I wanted to say so beautifully and succinctly.

You know on airplanes when they do the whole safety routine? Back doors , front doors, floatation device underneath your seat, and if the cabin should lose air pressure, masks will drop down, put yours on first and then secure your child's mask. Well, those airline people know what they are talking about. I have learned that my first role in life is to take care of myself. I'm no good to anybody if I am a heaving pile of drunk tears on the floor.

I am no longer intimidated by emotionally healthy people. I am inspired by them. I invite them into my life and learn from them. I am continually growing and learning and changing and thank god for that! I still get stuck and afraid but I have learned how to deal with it in healthy ways and have surrounded myself with people who support, love and challenge me to find my best path and charge down it.

I wish each of you an abundance of love, joy, acceptance and peace.

love and thanks

Sunday, 28 January 2007

Just jump in.

On Saturday, st and I went for a walk along the beach. It was a glorious day outside, bright and sunny and crisp. We got as far as the dog park and stopped for a moment, to watch the dogs play. That moment turned into 20 minutes. Watching dogs at the dog park might now be on the top of my list of favourite things to do. I could have stood there all day, until the last pooch tired himself out and had to, finally, go home.

Anyone who has ever watched dogs playing in a dog park will understand what I mean. It's a damn near religious experience. Those dogs in all their unleashed, unconstrained glory emit an energy that forces you to become free of your own inhibitions and constraints. You can't help but laugh and smile and point and exclaim. You start to wish that your own life could be a bit more like the dog park.

The unconditional acceptance that these dogs have for any other dog is inspiring. There is no judgement or shyness. No criticisms or mistakes. A dog will chase another dog until he feels like being on the other end of that and with one turn, the hunter is the hunted and just as happy. Without warning, a dog will go from being chased to digging a hole, to hiding behind a log, to lying down for a second's rest, to play fighting a dog twice or half his size, to running into the ocean after an unsuspecting seagull. Any dog can play with any other dog. It seems like the only requirements to be included are to just jump in.

Just jump in. Is it really so easy?

It seems like such a simple concept and yet, for people, so difficult to do. It is scary to put yourself out there. It requires letting go of your own judgements and fears and trusting yourself. Trusting other people is good too, but trusting yourself is crucial. When you trust in yourself, you know that you have the strength to handle the outcome of your jumping in.

This is a lesson that I am still working on. It's a two-parter and it's the second part that I get all mixed up in. The first part is learning to trust yourself. The second part is learning that when you trust yourself, you don't need to worry about trusting other people.

It's a work in progress, but then, so am I.

Saturday, 27 January 2007

Happy Birthday ST

Steffie it's your birthday.
God Bless you this day.
You gave me the gift of a big sister
and I'm proud of you today
Steffie it's your birthday!
Happy birthday Steffie!
Steffie it's your birthday!
Happy birthday Steffie!
I wish you love and goodwill.
I wish you peace and joy.
I wish you better than your heart desires.
and a good first kiss from a boy.
Steffie it's your birthday!
Happy birthday Steffie!
Steffie it's your birthday!
Happy birthday Steffie!

Friday, 26 January 2007

Just in case

Ok, so after posting yesterday what a good match Cooper and I are. Today I felt annoyed with him. He was pestering me early this morning to get up. You know those precious moments right before the alarm clock goes off and forces you to acknowledge the day? I love those moments; I'm warm, I'm comfy, I'm still half asleep and I haven't had to think about moving yet. Cooper likes to think of this as a good time to get my attention. I think he knows that once the alarm goes off, I'll be up and busy getting ready and won't have time for him. Some days he wakes me in a very gentle loving way, with purrs and quiet mews and nuzzles to my face. Then there are days like today where he barrels in like a tornado. He wails and paws at the blinds to make a racket; to make himself seen and heard. Even as I type this, he just jumped up onto the computer desk and walked over the keyboard and infront of the screen. He knows I'm writing about him.

Like any cat, I suppose, Cooper wants attention when he wants it and it might not coincide with when I want to give it. He doesn't like me to ignore him for the computer or a book or art. He'll crawl all over whatever it is I'm holding in front of me. He'll circle and lie down in his best I'm-here-for-the-long-haul position, release the biggest sigh and that's it, I'm done. Most days, I can see the good in this. Most days. Today I felt busy and annoyed. I had a lot to do today and not a lot of patience for Cooper.

I randomly and oddly stumbled across a blog today written by Wil Wheaton. I swear it really was a random find "Wha...Wil Wheaton has a blog?! Cool." I skimmed through a few posts then one in particular caught my eye. I am copying and pasting it here because I had quite a reaction to it. It made me get up away from the computer, track down my sweet friend and play a rousing game of chase Cooper until he loses interest. After which we had a lovely cuddle on the couch where Coop got such a good petting he drooled. I know Coop's 'just in case' face and I don't want to ever ignore it again.

The face by Wil Wheaton

Ferris followed me through the kitchen, whacking at my leg with her paw every couple of steps.I finally stopped near the breakfast table and turned around.She looked up at me with something dog owners will know as "the face."

"Did you feed the dogs?" I said to Anne, who was on the other side of the kitchen chopping lettuce for a salad.

"Yeah," she said.

I looked down at Ferris, who had begun wagging her tail."Why are you looking at me with that face?" I said, in something dog owners will know as "the voice."

"It's her 'just in case' face," Anne said.

"Just in case?"

"Yeah. Just in case you want to love on me . . . just in case you want to give me a treat . . . just in case you want to take me outside to play . . ."

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Meet Cooper

He is very sweet and adorable. A little stubborn and dysfusnctional. But we are a good match for each other. I put up with his eccentricities and he puts up with mine.

Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Cats and 15 year-olds

"There is nothing as shortsighted as a cat or a 15 year-old girl." This was said by my sister tonight after she told us the story of being a teenager and wanting to bail out of work (at Mariposa) and go dancing at the teen nightclub. She had enough foresight to start the scheme before ever leaving the house. She mashed up a bunch of gross looking foods into a baggie, blew a kiss to my parents and headed off to work. Minutes after arriving at the store she set the stage and complained of not feeling well. She made her way into the staff bathroom, made some unpleasant noises and deposited the contents of the baggie into the toilet. After convincing her coworkers that she was indeed too sick to work and, I think, even showing them the fuke (fake puke), she left the store and went promptly to the mall bathroom (dangerously close to the store) and dolled up to go dancing. I am sure there is some entertaining info missing from my retelling of this story like that her boss showed up at the teen dance club after her own shift had ended (later than usual cuz she had to pick up sis's slack) or that another coworker saw her dressed to the (80's) nines, running out of the mall bathroom and into a car full of partying teens. Once I have my facts straight I will add them to this post or I'll leave it as is and let you decide how you'd like it to end. Either way we had a great laugh tonight over there being nothing as shortsighted as a cat or a 15 year-old girl.

This is my sis's comment after reading this post...

that is a pretty accurate account of the fuke incident, also noteworthy may be that i wore white face make up so i looked pale. and the assistant manager who also went to the teen dance club EVERY weekend, DID show up, like she did every weekend. and kept my secret. yay!

Monday, 22 January 2007

22 years later

I started writing in a diary when I was in grade 4. My early entries are all around half a page long and often describe either a detailed account of what I did that day or how much I hate/love my sisters and parents. The detailed accounts of my days are full of strange pieces of information like ' I tripped going up the stairs today but it didn't hurt at all.' I still have every one of these old diaries and will be sharing some of the stranger/funnier/oddly interesting/possibly boring to anyone but me entries here. My diary entries became fewer and further between as I reached puberty and discovered boys and smoking. I'd check in every once in a while with a short entry of 'My life up to now' updates that seem very self imortant now. But maybe all diary/journal/blog entries are somewhat self important. It really is writing about my perspectives, my thoughts, my beliefs, my opinions and, in a public forum like this, isn't it really what I want people to know about me...if that isn't self important then I'm not sure what I'm talking about. But enough about that.

I am not sure yet what this blog will become, if anything. But I am happy to have a place to post whatever my heart fancies. And at the moment my heart fancies a good dinner and a glass of wine.