My journey so far

I remember a crucial moment in my late twenties when all of a sudden I got it. I had been floundering for years, unhappy with my life and myself.

I coped with my life by drinking, eating, smoking pot and hanging out with people who didn't expect anything more from me than to have a drink with them and laugh at their jokes. People who were emotionally healthy intimidated me. I avoided healthy relationships because I didn't have the ability to be healthy in one.

When I was 29, it hit me. It actually happened while I was interpreting the Alpha course. I was sitting there surrounded by people on a quest for spirituality or at least a quest for understanding Christianity and I had plans for right after work to go get drunk and stoned with a guy friend who was nearly 9 years younger than me.

It came to me in an instant. This is not the path that I am suppose to be on. This isn't who I want to be or how I want to live my life anymore. I still went over to his house and got stoned after work but a fire had been lit underneath me and I couldn't be so blind to my actions anymore. It took time for things to change because I was scared to abondon everything I knew and was familiar with to pursue a new path. It seemed scarier and harder to make changes even if they were for the better, than to just stay the same and be unhappy.

When I sat on this new knowledge for long enough that I finally had to act, I sought out a counsellor. I started seeing her once a week and for the first few sessions I just sat and cried. I couldn't get much out other than tears. Once I started being able to talk, I couldn't stop. I simultaneously loved and hated going to my counselling sessions because it was so helpful yet so incredibly hard. To this day, facing myself and my issues has been the hardest most challenging thing I have ever done. Also the most rewarding.

I am a different person now than I was 4 years ago. I changed nearly every aspect of my life and am now living a life that brings me peace and joy. I haven't felt the need to 'cope' with the daily aspects of my life and when the big stressful things come along, I have very healthy outlets for dealing with them. I have learned that I am strong and capable. I have learned that communication is power. You cannot change what you won't acknowledge. Secrets = shame. Fear = a life less lived.

We all need to learn these lessons for ourselves, in our own way and in our own time. We each have to find our own paths in life and figure out how to become who we want to be. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, I think it is the strongest, bravest thing anyone can do for themselves.

The people who loved me stuck with me and supported me through my journey. It wasn't always easy for them as I started to change and lay new ground rules to my friendship. I had new boundaries and was trying to put them to use without having the finesse of my skilled counsellor, who could always find a way to say anything I wanted to say so beautifully and succinctly.

You know on airplanes when they do the whole safety routine? Back doors , front doors, floatation device underneath your seat, and if the cabin should lose air pressure, masks will drop down, put yours on first and then secure your child's mask. Well, those airline people know what they are talking about. I have learned that my first role in life is to take care of myself. I'm no good to anybody if I am a heaving pile of drunk tears on the floor.

I am no longer intimidated by emotionally healthy people. I am inspired by them. I invite them into my life and learn from them. I am continually growing and learning and changing and thank god for that! I still get stuck and afraid but I have learned how to deal with it in healthy ways and have surrounded myself with people who support, love and challenge me to find my best path and charge down it.

I wish each of you an abundance of love, joy, acceptance and peace.

love and thanks
kt